Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
