Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
