Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
