Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
