HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
