I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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