you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
