Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
