just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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