Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
