I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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