He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
