I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize