Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i now understand why vodka
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
