Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
