No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
