Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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