He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
