Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
