I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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