in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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