i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
