My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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