I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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