the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
