Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
