i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
