ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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