with your own penis?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
