ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
