just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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