I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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