Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
