When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
