can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so let's talk penis.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
