just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
As shirtless as possible
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
not ubering you a puppy
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
