She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Randomize
