i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
