Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
