i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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