I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
