we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
