I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
