At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
