So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
