when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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