i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
