So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
