Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
