i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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