from now on my penis is your penis
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
