can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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