I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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