just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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