I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
