Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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