im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
