I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
As shirtless as possible
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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