tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
