puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
