i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
