Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
